The Legend of Brian
by Doctor Scraps
Summary: This is a story…about love. About a pony. A pink pony. A pink pony…and the broom that loved her. What you thought, you can't unthink.


The Legend of Brian

By Doctor Scraps

Disclaimer: My Little Pony-Friendship is Magic is property of Hasbro. The author claims no ownership. This story was written for entertainment purposes only.

A/N: The voice of Brian…is interchangeable. I myself prefer to think Brian lampoons President Barack Obama when he speaks, however you are welcome to substitute any voice you want.

…

Chapter one: When a broom loves a pony.

…

This is a story…about love. About a pony. A pink pony. A pink pony…and the broom that loved her…

Once upon a time, down in the valley in the shadow of Canterlot, there existed a village called Ponyville. A humble hamlet, home to Pegasi, Unicorn and Earth Pony alike, living together in perfect harmony. It had a real old fashioned feel to it as opposed to other places like Manehattan and Fillydelphia, where a pony wasn't afraid of a little hard work and getting their hooves dirty. Where the mail was still brought to you by hoof along with the milk and morning post.

In Ponyville, everyone had their place, and everyone had their responsibilities. From the humble apple farmer, to the local tailor, even right down to the loveable bundle of energy of whom this story is specifically about.

She came from humble beginnings as many heroines do. One of three daughters of a Rock Farmer. The family living a quiet if not dismal existence, harvesting rocks…moving rocks…trying to sell rocks…By all accounts, a very joyless existence. However, that period in her life was not to last, for our pony. No…For one day she saw the light…And she knew her purpose in life…

Her name was Pinkie Pie…And she was here to throw parties, and eat strawberries. And strawberries weren't in season yet.

…

Pinkamena Diane Pie, or just Pinkie Pie, was a bright pink Earth Pony with a mane and tail of a bubblehum hue with as much spring and curl as her personality, reflected in ever gallop and hop in her step. She also was a Pony of distinction to the local community, known exclusively as the Hardest Working Pony in all of Equestria, even with a nod from Her Highness Princess Celestia herself. If ever she was called upon, she had local weather chief Rainbow Dash's record of ten seconds flat beat with three seconds. In need of a spontaneous musical number to lift your spirits? No problem. A bizarre predicament about to plague the town? She'd be there with bells (sometimes literally) with the all the answers. Need a cake in the shape of Dante Alicorniri with passages from The Divine Cowmedy in blue frosting? She can have it to you by five!

She worked and lived at Sugarcube Corner, engaging in her second pastime, aside from throwing parties with only mere minutes to plan and arrange, which was baking. If it was a confection, she had more than likely baked it with all the skill of an artisan, and had subsequently devoured it with all the tenacity of a starved wolverine.

…

But…Was there more to life for Pinkie Pie? Was it all just parties, wild adventures and culinary delights? For instance…To date, there are no records that exist in Equestrian history to prove that Pinkamena Diane Pie had ever been involved in a serious relationship.

"Of course I haven't, silly!" Pinka Pie…um…said, taking notice of the disembodied voice of…me. The author. "Why would I want to be in a seeeeeerussss relationship? That doesn't sound like any fun at all!"

Um…No, Pinkie Pie, what I mean is, you have never been on a date, or held hooves, or kissed another Pony.

Pinkie Pie tilted her head curiously, regarding the already splintering Fourth Wall. "Why do you keep describing everything I'm doing? That's kinda weird, mister wister."

No it's not, it's a part of a literary project to…And then it was that Pinkie Pie began to dance while performing an Equine-Beat box rhythm, commencing to jump on one hoof and…Okay, now you're just doing it on purpose.

Pinkie Pie giggled. "Oh I'm just having some fun. Oooh! Look at all those ponies out there. Gosh, you got funny looking hooves. Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name? Hello? Mister, why can't I hear them?" She asked, looking up to the Author Voice.

Nevermind, Pinkie Pie. Here, look into this.

"Oooooooh, pretty shiny th-" Pinkie Pie's eyes saw spots and swirls as a cloud of green gas hit her, before collapsing completely after receiving a dose of 4th Wall Emergency Repair Gas. Never write a fan fiction without it. However, I digress…What was the point I was trying to make…?

…

Pinkie Pie was still feeling a might light headed when she returned to Sugarcube Corner after a relatively pleasant afternoon carrying on with her friends. Except for that large gap in her memory where everything gets really hazy, and then there was the smell of almonds. It did little to put a dent in her step as she hopped through the door, to see her employer and landlord, Mrs. Cake, finishing with a customer.

"Ah, welcome back, Pinkie Pie. Did you have a good afternoon?" Mrs. Cake asked pleasantly as she cashed out the customer.

"Oh you betcha, Mrs. C!" Pinkie Pie chirped. "Did we get any new orders? I've been really itchin' to get back in that kitchen!"

"I'm afraid not yet…" Mrs. Cake said with a bit of regret in her voice, Pinkie Pie's poofiness deflating some as she was denied one of her many passions. "But…If you want, you can sweep up the front and then why don't we just take the rest of the day off?"

"Oh, alrighty dighty." Pinkie Pie ho-hummed as she trotted her way to the broom closet. She had been really looking forward to getting her hooves into some fresh dough and frosting. But she figured an impromptu afternoon off opened up a lot of possibilities. She could go see if Rainbow Dash was up for a few new pranks she'd devised…See if there were any upcoming festivals she needed to plan for…Give Gummy a bath…Make Gummy a set of dentures made of candy corn and marshmallows…

"Well, hello there…" A voice called from within the broom closet as Pinkie Pie swung the door open.

"Huh? Is somepony in here?" Pinkie Pie stuck her head in. Nope, no one lurking or hiding. Heck there was barely enough room for a pony. Just a bucket, some bottles of cleaner, a mop and a broom.

"I'm more than a Pony, filly." Her eyes fell squarely on the broom. It was new, still having the sales tag taped to the handle. Mrs. Cake must have bought a new one to replace the old one that was starting to lose bristles. "I am…a broom!"

Pinkie Pie giggled. "A talking broom? That's just silly!"

"Oh, I'm no ordinary broom, filly. I am Brian, broom of brooms. Gaze upon my bristles, ye dust bunnies, and despair."

"Oh wow, I never met a talking broom before! I never met a talking anything really!" Pinkie Pie took up the broom. "Well, there was that one time I got into an argument with a little plush pony that kept saying it loved me when I stepped on it. It was kinda creepy now that I think about it…Oh well…Ready for some sweepin'?"

"Whoa, filly. You move fast. We've only just met." Brian seemed hesitant in her grasp as she hummed her way to the storefront. "I don't normally sweep on the first date!"

"Oh don't be shy! This is what you were made for, mister broomy broom!" Pinkie Pie set to work with a bubbly giggle, racing the broom up and down, sliding it's bristly head across the linoleum floor.

"Oh, filly….oh…oh Celestia…My body isn't ready for this, filly. " Brian moaned, although the broom remained just as stiff and motionless as a broom normally would. Pinkie Pie paused and looked at the brooms head worriedly.

"…Um…you okay?"

"I didn't say to stop, filly! Sweep harder!"

"Okie dokie!" Pinkie felt a bit silly, but it was a good kind of silly. Spinning on the playground merry-go-round silly. She'd never taken orders from someone like a broom before. And it felt so…naughty, the way she drove Brian to move as she slid his bristles across the cool, smooth floor, brushing the dust and bits of grass tracked in by other ponies into a neat pile. She even felt her cheeks heat up some, as she sat Brian, who was taking a moment to catch his breath, while she fetched the dust pan.

"What is this? A dust pan? Oh, that is kinky, filly." Brian said as she began to sweep up the pile of dirt. Pinkie Pie giggled, delighting somewhat in the seemingly embarrassed groans of the broom. But, eventually, they ran out of floor to sweep, and the deed was done. Pinkie Pie wiped the sweat from her brow onto her foreleg.

"Alrighty, Brian! All done!" She picked him back up and trotted for the closet.

"What is this? First you seduce me, then you use me. Now it's back in that dark, dark closet, filly?" Brian asked, sounding almost offended as Pinkie Pie propped him up in the corner of the broom closet.

"Oh, well…I'm sorry, Mister Brian, but there's nothing left to sweep. Maybe tomorrow?" Pinkie Pie said.

"The day is young, filly. There's more to this broom than just sweeping floors. It's a big big world out there, filly. Let's live!"

"Oh, okay! This'll be great! I'll take you to meet my friends!" Pinkie Pie retrieved Brian, using some ribbon to secure him to her back. "Just you wait, this'll be the greatest afternoon ever!"

Mrs. Cake then came trotting from the back, prepared to close up shop for the evening as planned. She was pleased to see the storefront look so clean, and thanked Pinkie Pie for all her hard work,

"Oh, and I see you found the new broom. That other one was just falling apart…" Mrs. Cake mused as she locked the cash register. She looked up and saw Pinkie Pie starting for the door, with the broom in question strapped to her back. "Oh, Pinkie, are you taking the broom with you?"

"Oh, yeah, I was just going to take him around and introduce him to everyone!" Pinkie Pie said.

"Oh…I see…" Mrs. Cake blinked. "Well…Do have fun, and put…him…up when you come home this evening, alright?"

"Don't you worry, Mrs. C! You can count on me!" Pinkie Pie saluted and waved at the same time as she trotted out into the Ponyville afternoon light.

Mrs. Cake simply shook her head with a soft smile. "That Pinkie Pie…Such a kidder…"

…

It seems, that you can never find the items you're looking for when you need them the most. Rarity peered under her sewing table, in the back closet, and even in Sweetie Belles room, but she could not find that confounded broom anywhere. Her work area was an absolute mess, covered in snipped ribbons and lace, and bits of thread after her latest project, and she liked to work in a clean environment. Rarity huffed and sighed, figuring she would find it after she cleaned it all up by hoof…

The bell over the door jingled, indicating a visitor to the boutique. Rarity ditched away any discontent she might have had over her dirty work space and immediately turned to greet her visitor with a smile.

"Oh, it's just you, Pinkie Pie…" Rarity exclaimed, only mildly disappointed that it wasn't a customer, just a close friend of whom occasionally requested strange hats from her.

"Heya, Rarity! I want you to meet-" Pinkie Pie began, however, Rarity's eyes fell on the broom that Pinkie Pie, for reasons she figured was known only to Pinkie Pie herself, had latched to her back.

"Oh, good, I've been looking for one of these…I'll only be a minute…" Her horn flashed with a sudden magical light as the broom was lifted from Pinkie Pie and used subsequently to tidy up a little.

"What is this?" Brian's tone, Pinkie Pie noted, had a measure of annoyance in it. "Pony, I'm no broom to be passed around. You got twine stuck in my bristles. Now I'll never be a bride. My virtue is all catawampus."

"So what brings you around this evening, Pinkie Pie?" Rarity asked, completely oblivious to the brooms comment, which gave Pinkie Pie cause to pause.

"Oh, well, you see, I made a new friend and I brought him over to say hello!" Pinkie Pie said.

"Really? Well, where is this most certainly fine gentle pony?" Rarity asked, glancing to the door. She didn't see anyone come in with her.

"This is him!" Pinkie Pie trotted over to the magically-inclined sweeping broom, of whom she could still hear emitting indignant protests. "This is Brian."

"…Brian…?" The broom stopped in mid air as Rarity gave Pinkie Pie a most curious look. "…This…the broom…?"

Pinkie Pie nodded with great enthusiasm.

"…Pinkie Pie…Brian…is a broom."

"Yuppity uppity!"

"…You…made friends with it…"

"Mmm hmm!"

"The broom."

Brian finally interjected. "Filly, I'm not enjoying this zero gravity treatment. I'm not prepared for space travel. I would very much like to return to terra firma."

"Oh, sorry, Brian. Um, Rarity, could you please put Brian down? He doesn't like it." Pinkie Pie asked, gesturing to the broom.

"O..Oh, does he now? You…He speaks to you…" Rarity was a little beyond worried, however she obliged her request and set the broom down flat on top of her table.

"Well, yeah! Of course I can. Can't you hear him?" Pinkie Pie asked. Rarity shook her head with a distinct no.

"Say something Brian." Pinkie Pie said.

"What do you want me to say, filly? I'm not a speak and spell. You can't pull my cord. I will not say that the cow goes moo."

"See?" Pinkie Pie looked to Rarity, with a large expectant smile.

"Um…" Rarity bit the inside of her mouth. "Er…"

Pinkie Pie's eyes seemed to grow ten times larger, almost pleadingly…

"Oh…of course, I'm sorry, Brian…I must not have heard you before…" Rarity laughed nervously.

"That's right, Pony." Brian said with a tone of authority. "I am Brian. When I speak, even the mountains take notice. I took Celestia to prom."

Pinkie Pie giggled and put Brian back on her back. "Oh, Brian, you're so silly!"

"Oh, yes, most certainly…" Rarity continued with a forced smile, playing along. "So…I should get back to work, and…I apologize again for maybe…invading Brian's personal space…"

"I'm a one-filly cleaning utensil, Pony. But I can appreciate. You remind me of a marshmallow." Brian said.

Pinkie Pie nodded, "Mm hmm! Well, we won't get in your way! We have a lot more ponies to see! Say hi to Sweetie Belle for us!"

And with that, the pink pony…and her broom…were off. Rarity took stock of the scenario that just played out in front of her. To be perfectly honest, she always expected Fluttershy to be the one to start talking to inanimate objects. However, now that she thought of it, she was surprised something like this hadn't happened before.

…

And so it went…

…

"Angel! No, you put down that broom this instant!" Fluttershy called after her bunny rabbit companion as he perched over her front door, gnawing on Brians handle most voraciously.

"Confound you, bunny!" Brian yelped. "I was only joking that your mother was a radiator unit!"

"Yeah, Brian's right! I'm sure she was a lovely…umm…Fluttershy, what do you call a mother rabbit?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"…Um…" Fluttershy blinked. "…A mother rabbit."

…

"Um…" Applejack glanced to Pinkie Pie as the two watch on as Brian…leaned on an Apple tree. Just leaning there. Professional grade leaning.

"Don't worry, AJ. Brian assures me he is a certified pro at tree bucking. He has credentials." Pinkie Pie said with an air of confidence. "He just needs to get in the zone."

"There are some that call me an apple field cowboy. Some call me the gangster of fruit. Some just call me Maurice." Brian stated.

…

"…This is not awesome, Pinkie…" Rainbow Dash grimaced as a broom was latched to her back. "This is, like…the exact opposite of awesome."

"Please, Dashie?" Pinkie Pie pleaded. "Brian really wants to get over his fear of heights."

"…Eh…" There was something about this whole setup that just did not sit right with Rainbow Dash. She wasn't sure if it was just the broom that was about to completely throw off her momentum and aerodynamics, or the fact that Pinkie Pie had come to her to give a broom a skyward tour of Ponyville. If this was one of her pranks, and this somehow wound up in the Ponyville Examiner, a certain Earth Pony was going to wind up trampled under mysterious circumstances.

"I want to know the sky, pony. Take me to the heavens, so that I may lord myself over the lesser creatures." Brian said. Pinkie Pie giggled.

Rainbow Dash sighed. "…Why me…?"

…

Twilight Sparkle studied the broom quizzically from across her sitting area, Spike right beside her looking just as perplexed.

"So…You're saying the broom can speak to you…" Twilight said, more a statement than a question. "You communicate with it…"

"And you…put a bowtie and glasses on it…" Spike observed as well.

"Well, since Twilight is the smart, Brian thought it would be appropriate if he dressed 'nerd chic'. Whatever that means!" Pinkie Pie giggled. Indeed, Brian was propped against the couch, with a red bowtie, and horn-rimmed glasses stuck into the bristles. "He's super duper smart too!"

"Really…?" Twilight Sparkle wasn't so sure if she was more amused or absolutely frightened that her friend had finally tumbled off the tractor trailer.

"I have graduation papers, Purple Merlin. Top of my class at the University of Broom. I majored in Theoretical Physics. Your little purple dog is silly." Brian stated. Of course, he left his credentials in the broom closet. Somewhere. Probably next to the bucket and the sink cleaner.

Pinkie Pie nodded. "Mm hmm!"

"…Um, did…Brian just say something?" Twilight asked, her smile straining.

"Didn't you hear him? Brian you need to speak louder." Pinkie Pie poked the broom, panicking as she almost dropped it entirely.

"Careful, filly. I have sensitive bristles, and you'll mess up my weave. And I am speaking as loud as I am going to get. I am a broom, not a megaphone."

"Sorry, Twi…Brian can be stubborn." Pinkie Pie said, shaking her head.

…

"So…What do you think, Spike?" Twilight asked as she watched Pinkie Pie and…Brian…trot down the road as late evening fell. Personally, she was worried. No, this wasn't just worry. It was a special category of worry. It was a nice median between deep concern and 'I am locking my doors tonight' level concern.

Spike looked up at Twilight. "Twi…I know I'm restating the obvious but…She's talking to a broom."

"…I hope this is just a phase…You know…Pinkie Pie just…being Pinkie Pie…" Twilight shifted a little uneasily as she trotted back over to where she had been working on compiling notes on Arcane Transference before Pinkie Pie arrived. "I'm sure that by tomorrow, 'Brian' will just be a broom to her."

"And…if it's not and she's still talking to him?" Spike asked. Twilight raised a brow at him. "I mean…It. Talking to it."

"Well, in that case…" Twilight lifted her chin in thought. "…I don't know. We'll play it by ear if it comes to that."

…

"Oh wow, what a day! Apple bucking, sky diving, chicken chasing! It just doesn't get much better than today!" Pinkie Pie chirped as she returned to Sugarcube Corner, opening the broom closet. "Well, I mean, the sky diving part was kinda impromptu, since the knot came undone at 300 feet, but hey, at least you got to meet all the fishes in the lake!"

"Most certainly, filly. I am pleased." Brian. "So…it is back to the darkness for me. To dwell alongside nasty mops."

"Oh, well…I mean, you don't like the closet?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"I have tasted freedom, and companionship, filly. Companionship that doesn't shut up. Oh, that I were to return to the silence of rags and cleaning detergent."

"Oh…so you're lonely?" Pinkie Pie smiled and giggled. "Yeah…I get lonely a little myself. I mean…I have all kinds of friends and it's great, but…you know, sometimes I come home, and it's so quiet all by myself, I can almost hear how quiet it is, that I turn on my record player real loud just to hear something, but then the Cakes get upset."

"This is destiny, pony." Brian said. "You and I, we were made for each other. Look within yourself, filly. You know this to be true."

Pinkie Pie blinked and gasped, raising her hooves to her face. "Oh, gosh, Brian, are you coming onto me?"

"I cannot deny the fires that burn in my wooden shaft. You are my filly, I am your broom. Now let us adjourn to the bedroom. I spoon on my left."

Pinkie Pie swayed side to side, giggling as her cheeks warmed under her hooves. "Oh Brian…you have such a way with words…How can I say no?"

"Come to me, pony."

Pinkie Pie scooped Brian up into her front hooves, like a stallion with a wavy golden mane would a saucy mare in a flowing dress and plunging neckline on a trashy clop novel cover. A big smile broke across Pinkie Pie's face as she dashed upstairs to her loft, giggling the whole way.

…

..

.

"Teehee! Brian! Your bristles are tickling me!"

"Brace yourself, pony…For in the morning, I make waffles!"

"Ooh…Mm…Oh wow, I didn't think this was possible!"

"Awww yeaaahhhh…"

…

..

.

You thought it. You cannot un-think it.

Until next time, ponies.


End file.
